Fight-or-flight 06/21/2010
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After months of trying to recover from the happenings of my earlier post “The Ass is bigger than The Heart!!” I have come to realize that I still haven’t recovered from that event. I did everything that was possible, however wasn’t too successful at it. I haven’t been successful at letting go and forgiving myself completely. Everytime I want to date or be with some one I think of the humiliation I faced in Pune. No one was to be blamed except for myself.It was all my choice and the outcome too is mine, which I had to face.
So lets check what I have done wrong and make it right..
Aman was a Casanova and I knew very well what I got myself into. Then why do I still feel guilty after 3 months?? Because I conveniently put an effort in forgetting the incident rather that forgiving myself.I kept myself busy so that my mind would be diverted.
I am at times too hard on myself. I don’t respect my own feelings, so how is anybody else going to respect me. I fail to acknowledge my own being, thoughts,feeling and sentiments. Keeping myself busy helped me do all those things and neglect my own inner child that was crying for love and assurance “that everything is gonna be alright”.
I have been on Fight-or-flight response mode. And allowing myself to be distracted was a route to runaway from the pain.
My Glass of old wine! 04/07/2010
Posted by forevermorningstar in Uncategorized.Tags: Affair, martin henderson, Movies, Random, Sex
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Today has been a very lazy day. I am at home and watching movie “Bride and Prejudice”. It stars Martin Henderson. Good lord! He just reminds me of a crush I had when I was in my teens. I remember watching this movie when I was 16 and I couldn’t stop blushing because I just kept thinking of how J will sweep me off my feet. Five years later it still has the same effect on me.
I had first met J at his wedding reception; I was 12 then and was immediately infatuated by his blue eyes, wicked smile and the oh-so-propah British charm. At the reception preparations I would just flutter around him. I even fought with my cousin to sit on the elephant ride with him. Few years later when I met J again I was older. I understood that being with him would be entering murky waters. So I would be cautious yet at the same time would behave like a gracious hostess. J would always dote on me, even when our families went on a holiday I was always his favorite among everybody else. There were moments that I brushed away thinking “I was outta my mind”. I liked the attention. However the time came when he had to leave but he promised to keep in touch.
Once he went back we did keep in touch via emails and phone calls. Slowly and steadily we began opening up towards one another, sharing our most deepest and private feelings. We got close. I finally had found someone who despite being 20yrs older to me would understand me and vice versa. We never got a chance to have sex although we did speak about it many times, thus making our relationship more of an emotional one. I really loved that equation with him.
Then in 2005 I got into a relationship with my first boyfriend and from there on my relationship with J went downhill. Although we tried many times to share the same camaraderie, the damage I felt was done. In 2008 he was going through a divorce with his wife (my distant aunt). During that period he began to face a lot of music, many of my emails were in hands of his wife, who thought I was the one having an affair with him. Anyway after that whole incident I completely lost touch with him. I would miss him like crazy but never mustered up the courage to contact him again. Until recently, when he got in touch with me and we started talking again.
I always saw J as the perfect man . J knows how to treat his women and that’s what I liked about him. I always saw myself in his Germany apartment making love to him, globe trotting with him, taking care of him and so much more. I don’t know what would happen if all this was possible.Its scary to think about letting go of myself again.Needless to say, as of now I’m not trying for anything, it would be fun if it ever happened.
Till then I’ll just be dreaming about him in which I finally have my glass of old wine 
!
Dying hurt! 04/07/2010
Posted by forevermorningstar in Uncategorized.Tags: death, forgiveness, friends, Games, Politics, Relationships
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2 months back when my ex boyfriend and I went out with friends for an overnight picnic cum birthday party; my emotional tolerance had already started deteriorating. At that party a fight broke out between my ex’s boss and his friends and my ex had been caught up in between all that jazz. His boss had come with his girlfriend and was extremely apologetic for causing a rift. Very obviously my bf at that time was blaming himself and like any other girlfriend I stood by him and tried my level best to calm things down. As things had to go, my bf and his friends weren’t on talking terms for 2 whole weeks. Finally I convinced my bf to speak to them and sort it out. Once things were sorted out between them, it turned out that the gang was pissed with me for “interfering” and they shut me out completely. My boyfriend said that I had no business interfering and that they are right. Well that really hit me below the belt because I have always thought of my bf’s friends as family and have always cared about them deeply.
I was always a loner, so it was important to me that this group sticks together and they did, but cut me out. And then the cracks in all my relationships became extremely visible. I evaluated my relationship with my bf and realized that although there is a lot of mutual caring and affection between us we were together because we felt compelled to be together not by love but by the feeling of obligation. Hence we decided to part ways. Somewhere I my heart I knew this entire incident would sting me badly.
Yesterday I went to the funeral of Glover’s dad. He and my ex have been blood thick buddies. He was one of the deciding factors when it came to the gang shutting me out. I wasn’t very keen on going there but still attended the funeral. At the funeral I noticed that although the attendance list was long, many of the people present were friends of Glover and their families. On seeing how these people were lending him support while he broke down for a dad who was a drunken man for most of the time, it somewhere got me thinking. I remember how he would complain about his dad’s constant bickering. Yet here he was, all vulnerable and down. He tried so very hard to put up a strong face. My heart just went out to him. It got me thinking if that entire negative attitude they had towards me a few months back was even worth holding on. His dad may have had his own polar opposite qualities. He may have had days when he was good yet hateful, loving yet hurtful, caring yet abusive. But the moment he realized that he was dying, he was apologetic to everyone in the family. He almost begged for their forgiveness, as if he felt trapped by something and wanted release.
At that moment I realized that nobody takes any of this social politics, mind games, adjectives etc along with them when they pass away. What they take is all the lessons their souls chose to experience. It is absolutely important for me as a person to make a positive difference in my life and then in the life of others. People will move on eventually, what I would really liked to be remembered for is my goodness, the cause I chose to live for. It is highly important to be able to forgive and forget. Being the passionate person that I am, I know that there are many cases that I find it almost impossible to forgive. Forgiveness lets the past die and gives life to blessings ahead. 
“PRECIOUS GEM” 03/31/2010
Posted by forevermorningstar in Uncategorized.Tags: Faith, Journal, life, Paulo Coelho, Quotes, writing
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Let me first begin to say that I love this whole blogging habit. I’m getting to know different facets of the same “PRECIOUS GEM” called life.
For so many days now I was beating myself up for all that I did, and all the things I put myself through, keeping myself worth miles away. Sometimes begging for love, sometimes blackmailing for love, sometimes facing abuse for love. What did all those things do? They gave me everything except belonging, acceptance and love.
Guilt for the past few years has been my best friend. Thinking what I could’ve done or said differently that would make him stay but I did the same things that would result in the same fate. Has this kind of self-treatment helped ‘HELL NO”. Do I wish to continue in the same? No, definitely Not.
So what do I do?
For starters I have realized that it’s very important to take time to heal after the first heartbreak. If in your teens please do talk to someone who knows what they are saying. DO NOT FEEL REJECTED and begin to indulge in self loathing. A heartbreak can bring about various over compensating or over indulging aspects of an individual.
2. I try to keep a journal. Writing proves to be extremely helpful in such a process. I write letters to myself, one where I’m complaining, whining and blaming my life and the other one where I write some positive things to myself (this I do after reading the first letter). It’s like a self advice thing I follow and most of the times I end up saying the most beautiful words that no one in world would have ever been able to say to me.
3. I feel that ” after the so-called heartbreak” one can use this time to discover talents, hobbies, interests that actually fulfill you. My teacher said “many a times we have talents or skills that could give us an insight to our passion and passion is the corner-stone to our life’s purpose”.
4. I watch a lot of funny movies and inspiring movies eg: The Secret. This trick always helps.
Following this process has definitely helped me in venting out a lot of anger, guilt and all the associated ill feelings. It has helped me in shifting my focus what could’ve and should’ve been done to what can be done now. I am beginning to listen to my inner calling, my heart a lot more than before.
“”Why do we have to listen to our hearts?” “Because, wherever your heart is, that is where you’ll find your treasure.”” – Paulo Coelho.
Once upon a time…. 03/25/2010
Posted by forevermorningstar in Uncategorized.Tags: Love, Men, Relationships, Story, Thoughts, Women
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Long time ago when a little girl was growing up, sex for her equalled to love. Her upbringing taught her that physical touch equalled to love. Stories told her that her prince charming was on his way and when he would arrive, she would instantly know that he’s the one, he’d then sweep her off her feet and kiss her. And viola they would have a happy ending. That little girl was me.
And all that looked awesome in books, I haven’t found love is my reality, I had cheated on my ex because I felt something was missing and I’m a hopeless romantic who still believes in happy endings. But time and again I have put myself through the same trouble of meeting a guy, believing every word he says, sharing my thoughts with him, for an intimate affair that I thought was the love of my life. But the next day or few days later the guy is gone, words he spoke are bullshit, my thoughts no longer matter, and I am labelled as easy.
Now somewhere I have come to understand that I chose that situation, I chose to be with the man, believe him and have sex with him. Also what I have understood the most is that why wait for the prince charming to make our fairy tales, if we as women would love ourselves enough and treat ourselves as princesses, the prince would come and if he didn’t yet still it wouldn’t really matter because we’d be strong enough to have faith, patience and love for ourselves. The minute we doubt our beauty and potential we attract relationships that give us pain.
So the day I realized that I Ended my relationship. Now I’m going to be single by choice and I love every minute of treating myself with goodies and good quality time.
The End…
Moral of the story: There no knights in shining Armour, only pricks in tin foils… lol.
The Ass is bigger than The Heart!! 03/23/2010
Posted by forevermorningstar in Uncategorized.Tags: Affair, Ass, friends, Heartbreak, Love, Men
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Recently I went out of town and stayed with my friend’s guy friends who I didn’t know at all. I had only heard from my friend about how awesome her friends were, which convinced me to stay with them. The minute I saw the Guys, in my mind all I could think of is “how cute they were”. Though I knew that both had girlfriends I wasn’t apprehensive about flirting with them at all. The first night of my stay went in drinking, building rapport and plain craziness.
I was constantly thinking which one of them I choose; it’s not every day that a good-looking girl is surrounded by good-looking guys. Anyway as the morning dawned I knew who I’d like to have a clandestine affair with, hence started a wooing game with the guy not really caring cause he had enough of girls to choose from. Soon the harmless flirting turned into a power game for me. Soon I didn’t really care that I went on break for an important reason. I didn’t care that my friendship with my girlfriend was at stake. I didn’t care that I would be heart-broken in the end because the truth was that although the man I was pursuing was a sweetheart as a friend but a Casanova who didn’t care a bit about the girl he slept with. In his head he was very clear that he would be with his girl till the end. Yet I wanted to be in bed with him, to be able to live my fantasy, and I did exactly that.
When I snapped out of my lust the result was expected, I had lost my self-esteem, respect and friendship in more ways than one. I was guilty of being swayed away by emotions, and indulging with a man whose girlfriend loved him dearly. I was so consumed by my own selfish needs that knowingly I let my ass be bigger than my heart.
